Hello! This post will be entirely about me and problems that I’m facing in my private life. I think the reason behind me publishing this here is the fact that if I vanish one day, I want people using this site to know that I’ve been struggling for some time and also because it’s getting worse day by day and I don’t really have anyone to talk about it.

I’ve finished my education some time ago. I had really hard time in school since childhood and it only got worse the older I got. I don’t have high education because of that and I don’t have any career that I want to pursue (other than maybe being a writer or working near books). So with ending education came real adulthood and time to find first job without anything to write in a CV.
Even though I want to get a job and have money for all of the porn in the world, I have really hard time finding it. Not only I don’t have enough education for most places, I don’t have this one paper (some health tests that are required in my country for places where you work with food – yes, supermarkets too) that is needed in most places and don’t have money for it. Yes, you need to pay for it from your own pocket. I’m just generally really, really scared. When I look through job advertisements I get so scared I’m feeling like throwing up. I’m not scared of working (actually I am but not as much) but just scared of moving on by myself. I don’t have any mental support from anyone. No one wants to help me find a job. I know everyone does it by themselves but I just can’t, it’s not me being pessimistic, fear is making me unable to do it.
All of this puts me in the situation where I can lose roof under my head anytime. It scares me, but I still can’t make myself go and beg for a job.

Not only I’m fighting with big stress 24/7 but also with pretty bad physical pain. If someone did stalk me, I’ve often written on the site or sometimes on aarinfantasy that I’m fighting with stomach pains and really bad nausea that makes eating and being around smelly food unbearable. On top of that I have headaches that always come with really bad dizziness. I’ve told my physician many times about it but never got any real help which also kills my mental health. Because of physical pain and this unbearable nausea, learning anything is impossible. There’s no way you can focus on learning when you constantly feel like throwing up.

All of this slowly kills me. My mom buys food for me and lets me live in this flat, but whatever I do, she always tells me that I’m useless and can’t do anything. Sometimes when I search for something for more than 1 minute around the house, she gets mad and starts yelling at me and throwing things around. She never apologized to me and hugged me once in my whole life – year ago on my birthday, it felt disgusting. That also makes me not want to search for a job because I really feel like I’m useless and no one would want someone without education and without any special skills in their shop. Especially because people around me didn’t have any problem with finding a job and did find one right after finishing school.

In comparison to couple of years ago, I don’t feel suicidal anymore. I have many hobbies that I want to continue, I have many manhwa that are still going and want to see their ending, I have many small things that I want to buy for money that I’ll earn. I want to continue adding CDs here no matter what. I’m waiting for next Link Click season and for more doujins voiced by Iwanaka Mutsuki. There are a lot of things keeping me alive and every month there are many more things that I need and want to wait for.
At the same time real life problems that I need to face are for me far more terrifying than for most people and no one around me seems to understand that.

That sums up stuff that I’m struggling with recently. I’m not expecting anything from anyone reading this. I just would be happy if some people on the Internet would remember me even when I’m not doing much for the community. Thank you for being here with me and enjoy your time on the site!